I Wish I Weren't Me
by somegirl21
Summary: Zach and Cammie have never met. What happens when they meet for the first time? Better than it sounds! Contains Only the Good Spy Young spoilers! T because you can never be too safe. I do not own these characters! Review Please!
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own these characters! Please review!**

I wish I weren't me.

My name is Zachary Goode. I go to the Blackthorn Institute for Boys. People who aren't like you and me think it's a detention facility - but we know the truth. We know it's really the school we come from. A top secret school for assassins. Of course, some government workers know the truth about my school too. Some of them being spies.

At my school, I might be worshiped by the better part of my classmates, but a fair amount of them hated me when I first started in first grade too. It's because of my mom, Amelia Goode. She's the leader of an ancient terrorist group called the Circle of Cavan. And this is why I wish I weren't me. I don't know much about my mother and her "business" but I know enough to know that I don't share their views. And that's exactly why I don't know much about them.

My mom doesn't trust me. She thinks that if I knew the better part of what her organization does I would leak information to her enemies – the good guys, the FBI or CIA. And I must admit it is good for her that she doesn't trust me.

Because although I was trained to kill someone without hesitation – and my mother kills _plenty_ of people every year it's different. I want to help people, innocent people. She wants to kill those people.

So at my school they train us, well. And then a lot of us are recruited to the Circle. They know Blackthorn is the best place to get cold hearted killers. But in our defense a lot of us don't want that, or at least not at the beginning. And some of us do join the CIA or other agencies. But if the Circle wants you … well let's just say you can't deny my mother unless you want to die – painfully.

The only reason I am alive is because she's my mother. I refuse to join the Circle. And any other boy would be killed for that, but not me. Because although my mother is cruel and heartless I guess it's hard to kill something that was inside you for nine months.

And I guess she does have a heart – or at least part of one because she loves me. Sure she still hurts me plenty, but she won't _kill_ me. And for my mom that's rather impressive.

And I guess I love her too. Trust me, I try to hate her. And sometimes I do… but never for too long. Because it's impossible to hate your parents _all _the time. Or that's what I thought until I was seven…

"I heard she did it herself," grunted one of my mom's goons.

"But she… I thought she loved him!" replied another.

I pressed my ear closer to the door, hanging onto any information I could unbury about my mom and what she does when I am off at Blackthorn (all the time but summer vacation).

"But she did, I saw it. I was there."

"Her own husband?"

I gasped. The world started spinning… This could not be happening. I ran trying to keep my emotions in check… _Come on _Goode, _you're an assassin._ _Emotions could kill you!_ But I didn't care.

I busted through the doors to my mother's study and she glared at me with the eyes we share. Those stupid emerald eyes!

"How could you!" I screamed.

"What?" she asked, emotionless.

"He loved you and you killed him! I loved him! How could you kill your own husband? You witch!"

"Filthy boy! Don't talk to me like that. I thought you were good, you can't even control your emotions. And do not tell me what I can or cannot do!" She screeched.

She took a step towards me and I tried to step back, but there was no space. She stepped closer, towering over my shaking seven year old body. Then she took one final step and slapped me across my face – hard. It took all I had not to cry. I could feel my right cheek swelling. She turned away, disgusted in me.

Then two of her goons dragged me to my "room" and threw me in, locking the door.

I laid there, emotionless. Wondering how I would live. My dad was the only person I really loved. He was the only person who could make my mom _slightly_ happy. He was the only person who stopped her from unleashing _all_ her rage on me. Who would protect me now?

I was alone. With my mom. Who I vowed I would hate for the rest of my life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hop you like it…. I had a lot of trouble writing it, and it's not as good as I wanted it to be. The next few chapters will be better!**

Almost ten years have passed since the day I learned the truth about my father's death. And I kept my promise. I _despise_ my mother. But I try not to show my disgust because my mother is useful. My mother is an asset. It's one of the most important things we do; we become someone we aren't to get information.

So whenever I am not at Blackthorn I try to be as polite to my mother as possible. It's not easy – but after all I am an assassin and a good actor, if I may say so myself.

Still, my mom is good. She can tell that I don't approve of the Circle. She still doesn't trust me with much information. But, she wants too. And that is just as important. She wants to trust me so much, she wants me to be just like her so much that she's in denial. She tells herself I am not the enemy, that I will never betray her. She is gradually giving up more and more information to me in hopes that I will join the Circle. That I will join her. She's starting to trust me slowly.

So I do what she tells me to. I've killed a few people, I've snooped around her enemies, I do what she wants me to do. But for me it's all a _cover_. That's what others don't understand. A cover, a good one, takes _years._ You need to gain your target's complete trust. We pretend for years to love someone in order to get close to them until we acquire all the information we need. We spend years and years with them and all of a sudden they realize it was fake. All fake. We get close to the enemy for information.

That's what my mom is, the _enemy_.

Did I feel guilty? Slightly. Could I continue with my plan? Definitely: I _hate_ my mother.

So today was the second week of summer vacation and I was sitting in the C.O.C's headquarters. Leaning on the back two legs of my chair, smirking. I looked relaxed. But really I was stressed. No, I was _scared_. Because my mother had locked herself in the torture chambers for the last three weeks. And whenever she came out she was frustrated, but none the less happy. She was smiling! That's not good, I had never seen her this happy…_ever_.

She shocked me by walking up to me and putting her arm around my shoulder, touching me for the first time affectionately since I was five. I flinched slightly at her touch. Then, quickly covered it by smiling at her.

I decided to test my luck… and her happiness, "So who are you constantly visiting in the torture chambers?"

I was surprised when she answered, "When you where at Blackthorn we caught someone. They haven't been talking, but we caught Cameron!"

She didn't even lie to me! Cameron...That's all I hear about when near the C.O.C. Who and what was this guy that was so important to my mother. Was he CIA? What information could he possibly have? I had no clue who he was or what my mother wanted with him so badly. I cringed at the thought.

"Well I am off to torture Cameron," She said in a sing song voice.

I could have puked! I wanted to follow her but I could only watch as her red hair disappeared around the corner. After counting to ten I decided maybe because she was in such a good mood I wouldn't get in too much trouble. I shrugged and rounded the same corner as my mother.

I was walking down the torture/prison hallway, not looking where I was going, when I bumped into someone. My mother.

I thought I was done for. But she just smiled.

"Want to watch?" She asked, like a kid excited about Christmas.

"Yes," I replied, not because I wanted to watch this Cameron guy be tortured – but because I needed all the information I could get.

She smiled wider and put her arm around my shoulders. I just smirked. We continued down the hall together. At the end of the hallway she opened a door. There was one way glass. I could see the back of a chair and a figure in sweat pant and a sweat shirt covered in blood - Cameron. It was difficult to judge him with his loose fitting clothing.

"Wait here," My mother whispered in my ear.

She left the room. And as soon as she did my smirk vanished. I couldn't be happy or cocky in this hell. This was a prison for Cameron, but that's when I realized it was a prison for me too. I was snapped out of my thoughts when mom opened the door and walked in. Cameron didn't move. I hated not seeing the front of him, or his face! Uggg! My mom sat down across from him. But all I could think was she doesn't make mistakes. Cameron's chair was nailed to the ground and he was shackled. She didn't want me to see his face. Why? There was one way glass on the other wall too. I could be there. One of mom's trusted men or women must be there! Anger flashed through me. I should be there!

My mom asked, "So Cameron let's start easy, where is the alumni?"

Mother sounded bored; she didn't care_ too_ much about the alumni. But still enough to ask about it. When Cameron didn't respond mom slapped him – _very hard_. That's when realized I didn't envy mom's goon who could see his face. I didn't even want to watch from behind, but I had to. For information – but also I couldn't look away.

"Care to answer?" She asked.

No comment from Cameron. Mom raised her hand and he didn't even flinch. She hit him. He was trained – as a spy or assassin. No normal person would withstand two of my mother slaps to the face without as much as a cringe.

"Fine," My mom sighed, "Let's go even easier… miss your daddy?"

She was mocking him. And at this I saw a bit of a flinch. What happened to his dad? This made me think of my dad. The one that my mother killed! For a second I felt like I understood Cameron, but I knew I didn't. I had never been in a situation like Cameron was in now.

"He was begging for mercy when I killed him," My mom mocked.

I saw Cameron's fists clench. Mine did too. I smiled slightly at our identical reactions. The exact same at the same time. Both for the loose of our fathers, because I could tell her words were directed towards me too when her eyes pierced through the one way glass and somehow found mine. Just as quickly she glanced away, with a smile.

I was angry. I was hurt. She wanted that, she knew that would happen. She enjoyed our pain. She was a monster. A monster who knew how to get to me. And I hated that she knew my weakness. Because in my business that's the worst thing possible. My _enemy_ knew my weakness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the great reviews! I am sorry it took me so long to update, school is keeping me very busy! I'll try and update it at least every weekend from now on.**

**Just too clear thing up… Cameron is Cammie, Zach just thinks Cameron is a boy. **

**Hope you like this chapter! It's short, but the next one will be longer - I promise!**

My mother sighed, "Fine Cameron – don't talk. I'll be back in an hour, and if you still won't tell us what we need we'll have to try the electric chair _again_."

My mother got up and left the room. I sat there thinking and watching. Watching Cameron. I watched his shoulders slump as he leaned back, father into his chair, as though that would protect him from my mother. And although this was only his second slip up, his second show of emotion, I knew they saw it. They saw _everything_. But what they didn't know was that it was actually good for Cameron. You can't live without emotions, no matter what your teachers tell you. For the last ten years my teachers told me to remain emotionless. But without emotions you can't live. You need emotions. _Even_ if you're a spy - or assassin.

I sighed and got up. I was tired, and it was ten thirty. So I was off to sleep.

* * *

Three hours later I was rolling around in bed trying to fall asleep. But Cameron's screeches had been going on for _hours_ and I couldn't stand them. They were ringing in my ears, echoing in my head – haunting me.

This was how people saw me, like my mother. This was who everyone expected me to become one day. And I couldn't bear it. My stomach turned. I knew that if they keep going like this, electrocuting Cameron. His throat would eventually be so dry and soar he wouldn't be able to breathe. But I knew my mother wouldn't do that. She needed him _alive_. So I took what little comfort I could from that thought, rolled over, and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**I am so so so sorry! It's been a long time since I last updated. Please forgive me, my life has been crazy! I'll try to update in a few days. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Merry Christmas! =)**

I woke up drenched in sweat from a nightmare. I couldn't remember what happened, all I knew is my dad was in it. My boxers and t-shirt were completely soaked and stuck to my skin. My breath was coming out in short, shallow gasps. I ripped off the covers and hurried into my bathroom, locking the door behind me.

Looking back at me in the mirror was a boy I hardly recognized. He looked pale under his tanned complexion. His dark brown hair was everywhere. And his eyes – those emerald eyes were wide in fear.

I turned on the tap and splashed my face with cold water. Then I threw on a pair of gym shorts and walked out the C.O.C's back door. No one was up. It was only me and the tiny cameras every five feet following my every movement. I knew the security men watching the TV's screen attached to the cameras wouldn't be surprised. This was my routine almost every day. What they didn't know was that this was my routine when I woke up from nightmares.

I could never escape what my mom did. Not even when I was sleeping. It might have driven me insane if I didn't have this. Exercise.

As I broke out into a sprint I could feel the first rays of sun touching my skin. I could feel my feet pumping under me. My muscles were contracting, waking up. Like the birds in the trees, who were starting to sing. I could feel my breaths coming out in sharp gasps. I could feel beads of sweat poring down my forehead and soaking my shirt.

Exercise always makes me feel better. It's the only time I could push my mom and the C.O.C. out of my mind. It's the only time I could forget my prey dropping to my knees and begging for me to spar them, but I don't – I always shoot. And it's the only time I can forget their blood curling screams, last breaths, and dead eyes.

It felt good. To be free. The slight breeze chilled the sweat on my head, cooling me. I felt like I could do anything. It was bliss. A few miles of bliss and my only moments, other than when I am with Grant and Jonas, that makes me truly happy.

Too bad nothing happy every lasts for me. I knew it would have to end. Soon. If I wouldn't return to the C.O.C's building they would come looking for me, thinking I ran away. And they wouldn't be afraid to use force. They never are.

So against my will I headed back. I wish I didn't have to, but I am me. Zachary James Goode. I have to.

As soon as I arrived back at the headquarters it was starting to come to life, people were leaving their rooms and talking. I just ignored them and walked back to my own room. Were I took a freezing shower. To wake myself up and to make sure I wasn't still stuck in one of my nightmares. At the C.O.C. you never know.

Then, I got dressed in my favorite jeans and a green long-sleeved shirt. I combed my hair, leaving it messy and in five minutes was out of my room. On a search for breakfast. I was walking by the torture hall when I heard my name. Not someone trying to grab my attention, they were talking in hushed tones. It was a conversation I wasn't supposed to hear. But I have never been a real rule follower. So I did the only thing that I thought reasonable. I snooped. I neared the closed door and listened…

"He could help, give him a chance Amelia!"

"No," snapped the unmistakable, harsh voices of my mother.

"Cameron might respond to him, since they are the same age. You need to give him a chance to prove himself. He could be a very useful tool to the Circle."

My face flushed, I wasn't a tool. And I had half the mind to barge in there and kill the man talking to my mom with the doorknob I was gripping. But I couldn't this was information. Information that was hard to come by and needed.

Still I turned around and walked away. Was it stupid? Most probably. Would I ever learn what I missed out on, the precious information? Maybe never. Would I regret this? Definitely. Oh well.

I was reaching for an apple when I heard my name. I ignored it. Thinking it was a mistake.

"Zach!"

It was louder this time, but I didn't want to talk to anyone so I just keep walking, taking a bite of my apple.

"Zachary!"

I was a command, it wasn't the same voice. This voice sounded like nails scratching a chalk board. A voice I was all too familiar with. It was the voice of my mother. I woman you never wanted to cross paths with. If you want to live. So I did what any sane person would do, I turned around.

"Yes mom?"

She just jerked her head, turned around, and started walking. The message was clear: _follow me_. But her eyes made something else clear, the consequences. Disobey and pay. I followed. I didn't mutter a single word. I didn't ask a single question. Not when she stayed quiet. Not when we entered the torture hallway. Nope, I was _silent_. But when we stopped outside Cameron's chamber room not knowing just couldn't do. I lifted one eyebrow towards my mother. Even though she wasn't facing me I knew she had seen it.

She rounded on me and answered my unasked question, "Cameron isn't talking and we thought maybe someone Cameron's age might help. Cameron might confine in you."

Ah… So this Cameron guy was a junior in high school. Only seventeen. I nodded. I knew what I had to do. I opened the door and walked in. Cameron made no move. So I walked to his other side, in order to see his face. That's when he lifted his face and I gasped.

_Cameron is a girl?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all the great reviews! I am sorry if I didn't respond to yours, I tried to respond to as many as possible. And will continue to as I continue this fanficiton. I hope you like this chapter and review. The next chapter should be up soon, hopefully! I'll try to update often. But I don't know how often I will be able to with school. **

**Bear with me,**

**Steph.**

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Cameron raised _her_ head towards me. I took in her shallow pale skin, which was stretched too tightly across her cheek bones, lifeless grey eyes, and knotted light brown hair which was streaked with her own blood. _She is a girl! _As I took in her ratty state she looked up. When she took me in, a teenager her age, I noted a glint of hope in her eyes. But then she reached my eyes. Everyone did eventually. It only lasted a second. Because then she made eye contact with me. She saw my deep green eyes, my mother's eyes. They were unmistakable. You could tell she noticed my eyes because the gleam of hope turned into a look of disgust. As always.

I sighed.

She turned away.

"What?" she snapped with venom in her voice.

I could practically hear my mom smile behind the one way glass: it was one of the few times Cameron had talked. I wasn't smiling though. I felt guilty. I almost flinched at her word and her hatred towards me. Once again I was judged because of my mother, without anyone bothering to get to know _me. _Though I couldn't blame Cameron: I was there to question her, torture her, and help her enemies. I didn't want to do this, but I was under the watchful gaze of my mother. So I put on my best smirk and continued.

"Hey, I am Zach," I said smirking, as if we were two normal people.

She just ignored me. She was obviously infuriated and I couldn't help but smirk even more.

"So the silent treatment."

Still no answer.

"Hmmmm…. Well that's rude."

I saw Cameron's fists clench. I was actually enjoying this. It wasn't often I talked to anyone my age, other than the boys in my school, and it was a nice change. Even if it happened to be a _prisoner I was talking to_. I had almost forgotten what it was like to have a conversation and what I was supposed to say.

Then Cameron reacted, she whipped her head around and looked me deep in my eyes. Not afraid, not flinching away – like everyone else. Her empty grey eyes sparkled slightly, it was the only bit of life I had seen in them so far. Well other than rage. Cameron wouldn't let me look away. It was almost as if she saw me for who I _really was_, not the person I become around others. Not the person I was supposed to be, the person I was taught to be. She saw right through my façade, she saw me as angry, scared, confused – what I really was. Or what I _thought_ I really was. And I _thought_ that was what she saw.

My theory was proved correct when she leaned in and whispered, so low the mikes and people watching couldn't hear, "Is this really what you want to be?"

She didn't have to clarify. I understood. Her words hurt. It felt as if I had been slapped; I jerked my head away from her. No one had ever been brave enough to look me in the eyes and question me .And question my mom, my life, my future. It was the first time I didn't have a full proof idea. I didn't have an escape plan. Or a secondary escape plan. Not from this room. And not from Cameron's words. It went against everything my teachers had taught me.

"Well, I think we are done here," I said and walked out.

I knew no one had ever dared to do this. I knew my mother would be furious, I was disobeying her orders and I didn't care. I just briskly walked down the hall. I didn't slow down or stop.

I ignored the people who were staring at me in awe, taking bets on if I would be dead tonight or tomorrow. I ignored my mom screeching my name. I ignored the buff security guard running after me as I broke out into a sprint. I ignored yelps of surprise as I pushed innocent bystanders out of my way. But of course no one in the C.O.C. was _innocent._ I just ran into my room and locked the door behind me. Where the walls were thick and not even my mom and all her fury could make it inside. I laid sprawled on my bed and stared up at my grey ceiling. I wondered if Cameron had heard all the commotion I caused from her cell. I wondered if she knew she was the first one who had said those words to me. I wondered if she knew how deep she had dug into me. I wondered if she knew how much her words had hurt. I wondered if she knew how much of a wakeup call her words were. Cameron's words were ringing in my head. _Is this really what you want to be?_ And that's how I fell asleep.


	6. Author Note!

**Don't hate me! I am really sorry for this, I hate author notes too. I know you were all expecting a new chapter – but this is all you get for now. Sorry! I have a ton of work for school and the next chapter is LOOOONG and I didn't want to have to split it in half. It should be up next weekend.**

**Sorry,**

**Steph.**


	7. Author Note sorry

Sorry everyone! It's been a long time. Thanks for following my story and all the great reviews. I know, I haven't updated in three months, but this story has been temporarily put on hold. I have the next few chapters planned out in my head (and they are pretty good, if I may say so myself) but I haven't had time to write or update them. Sorry! I am not sure when I will start continuing this story again, but at the** latest** I will continue this summer. Sorry and bear with me… more will come and my writing skills are only getting better. I hope you can all wait a bit longer and won't mind too much. I promise I will continue this fanfiction!


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